My Experience Staying Safe Using Craigslist – part 1

Meeting anyone you have met online for any purpose can be scary.

One local police department dedicated part of their parking lot to a video monitored online sales exchange location. I thought that was pretty cool, though it does nothing to add to online dating safety.

Next month o am taking vacation out of state, and my hostess will be working long hours for much of it. So, unlike me, I posted an ad on Craigslist.

I have posted once before, for someone to, shall we say, attend to my breasts, and took it down within minutes our of feat and self-loading. This ad was seeking a gentleman for one or more days to pretend we are a couple, walk holding hands, engage in verbal foreplay, hit a beach and tease each other in the water, written such that it was not guaranteeing sex. I did request they tell me about themselves and include a pic on reply.

In the few hours the ad was up, o recieved well over a hundred replies .

Easy enough to cull out the dick pics, and “let’s do this” replies, those were the majority. Then the ones without a photo or the offer to send one on a second reply. This left me with about 20 remaining.

Next step was to check the images on tineye and Google image search for hits.

Only a few had hits, and none blatantly appeared to be scammers unlike most dating sites where I amazed how many do not pass the image search test.

I followed each. One gentleman used the image for his profile on an exercise website – what he wrote there eliminated him from the running. Another gentleman used the image on his profile at disqus (service used by websites for commenting), so from being able to see his comments on many topics and articles I was able to learn quite a bit about this handsome gentleman and move him near the top of my list.

More later….

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Chronic Pain

Constant chronic pain
Who would notice
Who would care
If I disappeared tomorrow
Don’t be sad tomorrow
You didn’t care yesterday
When I needed you
When I begged for you

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Medical Challenges

If you recall, I had thought I could be pregnant a couple months back, and wasn’t.

Nausea, abdominal pain, fatigue, no period had continued. So follow up visit this week included CT scan and revealed Pelvic Congestion Syndrome (varicose veins on ovaries), a spot on left ovary, and the amount of blood in my urine is increasing. My normally low temp is elevated. So while nice to have one diagnosis, doc believes there is much more going on.

I have a visit to urologist, a colonoscopy, and an ultrasound to schedule.

I’m scared. I have to go through this all alone. I didn’t sign up to be facing this kind of stuff by myself dammit.

Top it off, doc asked me if I or anyone I have had close contact with has been out of country in past 6-9 months. Yes, Krys certainly has.. so I’m waiting to get the list of countries from him.

Had a lovely 10 hours scared because of insurance. Called my plan to update address, they said I had to call the exchange. Turns out move 17 miles and I no longer qualify for my plan, retroactive to the first. Rep on phone said no plan from that company available, and similar plans would not cover my doc. Frick, how much does a CT scan cost?

I’ll skip the hours on phone an internet and end with decent news.. I can actually stay with same company, same plan with $5 higher copay, same doctor, though my deductible resets back to zero.. just the company had a merger and changed names of the plans. So breathing a sigh of relief.

If pain continues increasing at raye it has been, I will be unable to work in a few months. I’m self employed and do not earn enough to qualify for a long term disability policy.

I got back to running two days ago.. did wonders to help ease the depression, but abdominal pains increased the next day. Which is worse.. I think I’ll stay active as long as I can. Physical pain o cam handle, the emotional pain is more likely to kill me.

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The Losses Keep Piling Up

I hope to freaking god that Krys is my final loss for the near future.
I may be stronger for the losses, but the lonely factor sure does pile up

Tally for recent past (less than 5 years)

Death of close confidant.
Reaction to a med that put me in handcuffs and loony bin for 2 nights til the meds wore off.
Death of close gal friend by drunk driver
Empty nest.
Betrayed by partner.
Raging PTSD and anxiety
Loss of tenant due to that partner.
Feeling of betrayed by mother.
Online dating sucks.
Death of another close friend.
Pregnancy scare that turned out to be menopause.
Close gal friend moved to FL for job.
Confirmed loss of longtime respected and loved friends due to their taking sides from divorce.
Ovulation meds no longer work.. so much for getting donor jis
Letting go of a 30 year loving relationship that spanned FWB, just friends, lovers, distance, heartache, hope, and dashed hope for partnered future.

Heavy, drowning, overwhelmed

What had gone right is last 5 years?

Regained much of my self esteem back through divorce.
Lost over 150#, and still down about 120 of those pesky buggers who keep trying to get in my pants (wish someone I love could come back as readily)…
No longer living in daily fear of saying or doing the “wrong” thing.
Walking/light running again.
New house home remodeling.
Son is doing extremely well on his own.
Publicly came out as poly, freeing me from deception for the sake of my formeer spouse.
Received a voicemail yesterday morning that my STI risk from my recent encounter was zero.
I attained my dream of having a second home and becoming a slumlord.
Successfully completed a term as President of my professional association.
Have not gone into financial ruin despite being self-employed an unable to work as much due to PTSD for many months.
Started the process of downsizing my accumulation of “stuff”.
Discovered a position in my career that while pay sucks will allow me to fulfill my dream of traveling Europe.
Became closer to my brother.
Made four new true friends and a couple buddies.
Overcame smell of beer being a PTSD trigger

I gotta keep focusing on those positives instead of dwelling on the losses.

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The canvas of my romantic future
Now whitewashed with despair
Shall the previous paint bleed through
Marring the portrait yet to be created?


Inspired by Today’s “One Word Prompt” –

Image Source

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Holding On

This weekend I am completing my move. Only a year in the making. My mom, my son, Krys, and a few neighbors pitched in yesterday. Today Krys was going to keep helping, and tomorrow my mom again.

Krys was giving me two days and nights. I was in squee-land. Mother and my son really enjoyed catching up with him.

Evening rolls around and he and I head to home with another load, and he asks to nap/cuddle a bit before we change for dinner. It was delicious. Until we came close to “intimate” strokes, and I asked him if there was anyone who would be upset by his being intimate with me. And he answered in the affirmative. I said I would not be a party to cheating, so I got up, made up another bed in next room, and we went to dinner. I asked him about his other relationship. Turns out is is his Baby Mamma, whom he believes was trying to trap him into marriage by becoming pregnant. Initially he told me they had planned on going their separate ways (since he didn’t want to marry her), except he wants a relationship with his some so freaking much. I sounds like he was actually considering a relationship with her “for the sake of the child” and for ease of being involved.. as of now he never knows when the mom will allow him ot visit, and only when she is there, and he does not know if the child will be able to grow up bi- or tri-lingual so he can speak the language of the country he is in, his mother’s native tongue, and english as well. Except while considering it, he realized the lesson learned from my experience of staying married because of a child and how unhappy I was.

After dinner we held each other a bit, I went for a walk, and spent most of my night in the spare bed fighting hot flashes.

Morning rolls around and we held each other some more. And talked. I mentioned how so many inquiries of future events I had offered, asking if when the times comes around he is in country, would he be interested in attending with me. All of them went unanswered. He said he didn’t answer them because he does not know his schedule that far in advance. I dais that was a crappy answer and now answering was crappy. The least he could have done is tell me no for any he was not interested in, and say yes/maybe -pendingĀ  schedule – for the others.

And we did end up making love, though I immediately regretted it. I don’t want to be fuck buddies. We talked about how I thought I could handle it -fuck buddies – for a few years until our lives settle down, except I realized i want more now. He said he loves me, and that by being with me was demonstrating that I matter to him. How he compartmentalizes his life, and cam only pay attention to one compartment of it at a time. I don’t want to be compartment. I want to be part of my partner’s whole life – share the joys, the pains, the challenges. He countered withe we didn’t need to be fuck buddies, the we could go back to being just friends. I can’t. I can’t be just friends with someone I want more with. Perhaps if he were really attached and unattainable, I could be able to be just friends.

So I said I thought it best that he leave and go home. He silently did. I sent him an email while he was on his way.

I feel sorry for him. He claims to really love me. Yet he insists on carrying the burden of all by himself. In doing so he does not have his burdens lightened, more his joys multiplied. How sad. How lonely.

How numb I am feeling.

I still have that law to pass. I still plan to go overseas for work for a year. I will move forward with what I want. Alone. So utterly alone. I wish he just said he didnlt care about me and it would be easier for me.


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Another Confirmation that I Don’t Matter

This week was ex Al’s birthday
I reminded our son that his father would probably really appreciate at least a call. Why did I do that?

On the day, I got a text meant for the ex from some family friends. They had been his friends/mentors first. I loved them, and believed they loved me too

When I told them of the divorce, I said I intended to be scarce, so Al would not be uncomfortable turning to them… the same way I became scare for another mutual friend. They said they loved me, that would not change and it wasn’t necessary to be scarce.

Long story short, when I let them know of their delivery error it ended up my learning that they have been avoiding me and purposely not returning my contacts for past two years “out of respect” for Al.
What of respect for me?

What hurts worse than their taking sides, is that they didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me outright of their change of heart, and that I no longer mattered to them.
So, did I ever matter, or was I simply the “plus one” to Al that they accepted as such.

They always were busy, social people with way over scheduled calendars, so until today it was easy to brush off the fact that they didn’t return my infrequent contacts and invitations. Guess I didn’t want to push for the truth when not knowing for a fact hurt less.

I know Al lied to many people about us, but if those lies are what swayed them, I thought they knew me better than to not ask for my side of the story. Al’s drinking buddies who believed him.. I didn’t care if those people had any inkling of the truth, because they didn’t matter to me… yet these friends did matter to me. I had believed if I were ever in need, they would be there for me just as they would for Al, without taking sides

Divorce sucks, even when you’ve been divorced for years.

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