A loss I have no logical right to feel

11 days ago Krys, a confirmed bachelor friend/former lover, sent me an email announcing the birth of his son. To a woman living on another continent who had been planning to attend Harvard when “oops.” He was overseas for the birth and had no idea when the child might visit him in the states.

I’m 46. Krys and I had dated briefly in Navy ROTC during college, and while I am non-monogamous / polyamorous leaning, I knew I wanted marriage and family – something he did not want – and so we grew into friends across the miles and military commands. He even happily participated in my wedding many years ago.

When I was preparing to leave my emotionally abusive husband a few years ago, Krys was there to support me through my tears and fears. He convinced me that I was NOT too old to consider having the second child that marriage had denied me.

Ever the pragmatist, I knew I could not realistically consider motherhood until I was assured that I was financially stable as a single person. Then I tried to convince myself I could transfer those desires into grandchildren & considered getting fixed to I could not have my own & somehow that would alleviate the long standing longings. I am financially stable now. My son and his girlfriend have announced that they never want children. The options for permanent sterilization available to women are too scary for me. But I knew pregnancy *could* still be an option, so the pangs every time I saw a young child were controllable for the most part.

The fatherhood news from Krys sent my biological clock into a tailspin.

The only man I ever considered to father/donate to a child I would carry myself suddenly was a father in his own right.

He is still a friend. And I have been able to shield him from my devastation for the most part, and convey that I am there to support him in any way he might need. I did ask him if the mother might consider placing the child for adoption (Yes, I would have wanted to be the placement home), but he reported that at 2 days she was “attached.”

Life is rarely what we expect.

Random comments can have more effect than imagined.

And sometimes we cry ourselves to sleep over a biological loss we have no logical right to feel.

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About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
This entry was posted in Baby Fever, polyamory and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to A loss I have no logical right to feel

  1. Facebook has been like a dagger for me with these sorts of things.

    Like

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