Taking a break from baby angst this evening while my entire body aches and I am whining that “I don’t wanna go to work tomorrow” to indulge in some whining and self-pity and blog reading drift.
I generally don’t get sucked into reading a blog’s entire archives. But when I was perusing posts tagged Compassion, I stumbled upon thisismystoryofrecovery’s Do His Actions Match His Words. It was one of those posts that gives you an immediate gut wrenching reaction, and you see yourself in the midst of a slow-motion train crash and still can’t pull yourself away.
Yes, Even in poly relationships there can be feelings of betrayal and disloyalty. Even when you can logically understand the explanations you have been given and have forgiven, when there are still doubts and trust has not had a chance to be fully rebuilt – little things can trigger a recurrence of those same emotions. It occurs less frequently with the passage of time.
I am wishing it would go faster, but my requests for 100% transparency were denied and still I stayed. When opportunities arose for him to demonstrate the same path would not recur, I stumbled upon signs it was on the way there – and instead of being open he walked away from the opportunity to demonstrate he could be forthcoming. Yes, he may see it as an invasion, but discovering a new batch of secretiveness totally blew away what little I trust I had regained. Slowly it grows. Two steps forward, one step back.
Unlike thisismystoryofrecovery, I didn’t need to be sneaky I abhor sneaky. The first time I could have felt betrayed, it was a now former GF who pretended to be someone else to ensare him in lies. I still wonder if she was right about him on some level – though it was her deception that has forever lost my friendship. Most recently, it was sheer chance that I was – with his fill knowledge and encouragement – on OKC – seeking platonic only friends when I discovered he was messaging a local lady who contacted him specifically because she was interested in poly (she told me when I mentioned who my partner was.) Funny, he had just recently mentioned a long distance gal he was messaging with and totally failed to disclose the local gal. Take ten steps back.
I find myself wishing he would share the old message history with me from the incident that hurts the most. I know that would only serve to torture me if it further confirmed my fears. I wonder if he deleted those archived conversations when he way away from me and focusing attention on her when I was alone and pining for his attention – which my overanalytical mind would tell me that he had deleted them because he did have something he was ashamed of me discovering. I am ashamed of myself for still wanting to see them. I am frustrated that I want him to prove to me he is worthy of my trust to show me he can have a box of Twinkies in front of him and only eat one a day, instead of telling me he has that control but then avoids them at all costs – I will never learn to trust him around Twinkies again.
A good cry and I will feel better in the morning. And hopefully take another hesitant step forward.