Holidays can be tough enough if you have wonderful family dynamics. Harder yet when your love is with his wife and not with you.
I wasn’t jealous that Writer was home with his family for the weekend, especially considering it was the anniversary of his wedding on Saturday.
His absence did play into my deciding to skip my large extended family Easter gathering. First, my PTSD kicks in when I have to run around asking if a pervert uncle is coming (and waiting til the last minute to find out the answer), and then I didn’t want to have to keep answering the inevitable question “Where is Writer?” and feeling like less because my love “chose”not to be with me to celebrate with family. Just not into the stress this week.
I was feeling lost and anticipating depression and loneliness today.
So I looked at my desk and saw my list of affirmations, one of which is “I am responsible for my own happiness” and another is “I can put myself first.” I am. And I did.
Invited my neighbors and their children. Put out the call that anyone who didn’t have somewhere to be and wanted a nice meal was welcome, just bring a side if you are able. Provided ham, potatoes, rolls, wine, and the last of the 11# chickens I had raised on the farm with my ex-hubby. 6 guests in total showed up. My (adult) son said he wasn’t feeling well, so he hung out in his room playing online.
You know what? It was a good time. The desserts were plentiful. Leftovers are overflowing. The conversation was awesome. I felt connected, loved, and appreciated. And one guest even insisted on doing all the dishes. Another helped me take down the table and pick up. We made bubbles, and told stories, and laughed.
Guests are all gone. Most difficult part now is hearing that my sweetie is feeling lonely at his own home and misses me. Reminding myself that it is his choice and he is responsible for his own happiness too. He was welcome to join us and opted not to, need to remember that is not a reflection on my lovableness.