Was it foreshadowing?

post wrote not long ago, but before I discovered the  horrible truth about my man,  revealed how much I hurt when my mother asked me if I could forgive her sex offender husband so she could stay with him.

I hate that my own sex offender love has turned me into my mother. If I do decide that loving him is worth the pain of trying to make it work, I may lose my son and access to potential future grandchildren if my boy’s girlfriend is unable to forgive.

I will never ask them if they can forgive. I cannot perpetrate the same offense my mother foisted upon me.

Talk about inducing PTSD. It has taken me a month to even be able to pee in the main bathroom of my home because the anxiety is overwhelming. Every time I set foot in the room the pain is overwhelming and fresh as the moment I saw the evidence of his greatest betrayal in that space.

If HE is able to bridge the gap and help his victim heal and forgive, without my asking the girl to make the choice so I can be with him, perhaps there is hope. My adoptive father never truly admitted or asked forgiveness (there was the forced letter as part of his alcohol rehab), much less demonstrated remorse. I tolerated him back in the home after that terrible position mother placed me in to choose for her, and I hated her for that as much, maybe even more than I hated the man who rightly earned the title sex offender.

My man did not molest her. But it was an offense that could legally earn him that label.

I keep asking myself what I did wrong, because it is easier to blame myself than to blame him. I carry the guilt for the world


About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
This entry was posted in Healing, Sex addiction and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Was it foreshadowing?

  1. ramblingg0at says:

    I would be staying the f*ck away from any sex offenders and not only that, I’d be reporting any incidents I knew of to the police.

    You said he didn’t molest her but he did *something* inappropriate and got away with it. I’m afraid that hes tasted a piece of pie and now wants the whole thing. Sorry but if it was me I’d be out of there in a second and would be more concerned about the girl’s wellbeing than his.

    Sorry if that was blunt but without knowing the people, I’m seeing the issues for what they are with no emotional attachment. I hope you work out what to do but sitting there blaming yourself is not the only answer k? Xo


    • Apophenias says:

      Thanks Rambling, I probably would have written a similar comment.
      Perhaps my next post will shed some light on why I haven’t gone to the police. After I stop crying & get my lawn mowed, perhaps I will be of need to some blogging.


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