Writer and I had our second post sex offense discovery joint counseling session this week.
When our counselor said she didn’t want to see us for several months, until we have a chance to work on our own healing, I felt like she was saying we weren’t worth the effort Writer says he didn’t take that away.
One of the disclosures in the session came as a huge blow to my gut and had me questioning his motives and intentions even more.
After several years of no communication, Writer’s wife and were making contact because of the current situation. I was once again encouraging her to seek counseling on her own, to deal with how Writer’s actions adversely affect her. She said she didn’t know what she wanted to do about their marriage.
We chatted by email. I learned she denies ever telling him that she didn’t love him. That was a shock to me, so I told her I would never again mention anything he had said about their relationship unless she specifically asked. She did ask me to tell her everything. A woman has a right to know how her husband portays their relationship whether polyamorous or not.
In our counseling session, Writer related how hurt he was that I shared with her how he had told me they were simply like old friends it was not being with his love, how he told me he stayed with her because she could not afford to live on her own without his financial support, how he was home because they had a long history together, and grown children together.
I did not tell her how much he complained about her, how I essentially never heard a positive word about their relationship, how much reported to me that he hurt from her actions, how she didn’t show any appreciation or affection. At the moment I can’t think of a single instance where he gave me the impression he was happy being with her. I firmly believed he stayed to honor his marital vows, and I respected and honored that.
Now to be told that what I had held as an absolute truth was nothing more than a spin on words and nowhere near his real truth feels like another betrayal.
I feel like he was feeding me what he thought he needed to say to keep me hooked. That I was the one he wanted to be with, I was the important presence is his life while she was an obligation.
So many times I told him it wasn’t too late to get back a full loving relationship. I wanted him to be happy with her.
What else have I been misled and misdirected on?
I told the counselor that eventually I would want FULL disclosure if I am to move on in the relationship. She said I may learn things that would be a deal breaker. I stand by my long held belief, that I would rather know the full truth and hurt than live a lie.