Should I Just Chuck It All and Walk Away… I Don’t want to

Today was a good day and a bad day.

I had invited Writer to go for a walk in the woods with me. The leaves are past their peak colors, but still very beautiful. I knew they were beautiful in my head, but my heart felt nothing. (Depression sucks ass.) We ran into my ex-hubby in the woods, who was surprisingly cordial, even building a fire and inviting us to sit by it while he cut wood on another area of land.

Writer paid off his direct debt, and even took a load of his belongings home from my house. I was impressed. I had not expected either of those, as the invitation was meant as purely social.

After he left, I messaged Writer, thanking him because the day was much nicer with him there. In return he asked if I would consider spending a night with him, even if were only being held.

I want that sooooo fucking much. Nights are the worst for me, being alone – reminded that he is not with me and why. I’ve watched craigslist, but I’m NOT interested in casual sex. I even once posted in the platonic section for someone to sit with me at a bonfire – and some asshat immediately flagged it as against TOS and it was automatically removed.

While I WANT to be with Writer, even if not as lovers or partners, I can’t just pretend everything hasn’t happened. I offered a deal, an incentive, that if he faced the things he has avoided discussing with his counselor (and I included a partial list of things we had discussed previously) then I would sleep next to him.

Instead of accepting those terms, we have been texting back and forth. He is accusing me of constantly reminding him he is a bad person, adding to the list every time we chat, emotionally beating him up, of saying it makes him feel like I don’t expect him to improve. I tried to reason with the fallacy of “every”  and “constantly” and reassured him that I believe he deserves to be happy, even if he feels he does not.

I feel like he is deflecting back, attacking me because he is afraid. I can understand. It IS scary facing actions and poor choices one has made in the past. And yet, by choosing not to face them and resolve the issues, I truly believe nothing will change. I do believe he is capable of facing the past actions. However, experience has shown that he quite often does not tackle non-fun, non-rewarding tasks unless he absolutely must, and I understand that because I’m guilty of that one too often myself.

How is setting a boundary/offering the incentive that I will sleep next to him if he discusses things that may (or may not) be an issue with his counselor emotionally beating up on him?

I feel so drained. Yes, I’m a flaming codependent. I do want to be with him, faults and all. I have so many myself, but they are not WHO I am, his faults are not who he is either. Part of me just wants to chuck it all, walk away, and focus on healing myself. I do believe in him, yet when is unwilling to move forward himself it is sooo painful to be around. When will I know it is or ever will be the right time for me to fully break away, to give up on him/us?

OK folks, if you have ever loved someone in a similar frame of mind, how do you cope with holding hope? Or how did you decide to move on? Do you regret either decision? Share your comments.


About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
This entry was posted in Healing, polyamory, Sex addiction and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Should I Just Chuck It All and Walk Away… I Don’t want to

  1. dave94015 says:

    Reblogged this on dave94015 and commented:
    after you break up with someone in your family, should you offer them a way to return or make a clean break? At what point do you cut your losses and “move on”? Can the emotions of a relationship ever be “erased”? Or do we carry them with us and want relief?


  2. josephine says:

    I’ve been through similar periods with Beloved. He struggles with his mental and emotional health, and so do I. We’ve had to take several breaks from one another over the years, current break included, while one or the other of us, or both, sorted out our troubles.

    I don’t know that I can offer much insight, but I thought I might point out that he perhaps feels like you are withholding affection to force him to do something he isn’t ready to do yet, and feels manipulated. (I wrote it like that to show how a negative perceptive can interpret what I am sure is well intentioned on your part. I am in no way attacking or condemning you.)

    It can be terribly difficult to navigate a relationship when both parties have issues. I tend to say that when it is good, it is fantastic, but when it is bad, it is horrid. Only you can decide whether or not the relationship is worth fighting through the really hard parts for or not.


  3. Pingback: A Small Oversight Hurt | apophenias

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