Today was a good day and a bad day.
I had invited Writer to go for a walk in the woods with me. The leaves are past their peak colors, but still very beautiful. I knew they were beautiful in my head, but my heart felt nothing. (Depression sucks ass.) We ran into my ex-hubby in the woods, who was surprisingly cordial, even building a fire and inviting us to sit by it while he cut wood on another area of land.
Writer paid off his direct debt, and even took a load of his belongings home from my house. I was impressed. I had not expected either of those, as the invitation was meant as purely social.
After he left, I messaged Writer, thanking him because the day was much nicer with him there. In return he asked if I would consider spending a night with him, even if were only being held.
I want that sooooo fucking much. Nights are the worst for me, being alone – reminded that he is not with me and why. I’ve watched craigslist, but I’m NOT interested in casual sex. I even once posted in the platonic section for someone to sit with me at a bonfire – and some asshat immediately flagged it as against TOS and it was automatically removed.
While I WANT to be with Writer, even if not as lovers or partners, I can’t just pretend everything hasn’t happened. I offered a deal, an incentive, that if he faced the things he has avoided discussing with his counselor (and I included a partial list of things we had discussed previously) then I would sleep next to him.
Instead of accepting those terms, we have been texting back and forth. He is accusing me of constantly reminding him he is a bad person, adding to the list every time we chat, emotionally beating him up, of saying it makes him feel like I don’t expect him to improve. I tried to reason with the fallacy of “every” and “constantly” and reassured him that I believe he deserves to be happy, even if he feels he does not.
I feel like he is deflecting back, attacking me because he is afraid. I can understand. It IS scary facing actions and poor choices one has made in the past. And yet, by choosing not to face them and resolve the issues, I truly believe nothing will change. I do believe he is capable of facing the past actions. However, experience has shown that he quite often does not tackle non-fun, non-rewarding tasks unless he absolutely must, and I understand that because I’m guilty of that one too often myself.
How is setting a boundary/offering the incentive that I will sleep next to him if he discusses things that may (or may not) be an issue with his counselor emotionally beating up on him?
I feel so drained. Yes, I’m a flaming codependent. I do want to be with him, faults and all. I have so many myself, but they are not WHO I am, his faults are not who he is either. Part of me just wants to chuck it all, walk away, and focus on healing myself. I do believe in him, yet when is unwilling to move forward himself it is sooo painful to be around. When will I know it is or ever will be the right time for me to fully break away, to give up on him/us?
OK folks, if you have ever loved someone in a similar frame of mind, how do you cope with holding hope? Or how did you decide to move on? Do you regret either decision? Share your comments.