Everyone who has been hurt, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, etc.., and remains in love with their partner faces the choice to stay, leave, or remain frozen in limbo. Not making a choice, is still making a choice by default.
If you’ve followed me, you know I lost my friend Grumpy earlier this year. He was my favorite confidant next to Writer. Because of the nature of situation with Writer, other than my counselor I have no one close to vent, grumble, cry, and toss my spaghetti of thoughts and ideas against the wall to see what sticks. Grumpy was a perfect active listener, and when i was hurting or on a rant he rarely told me what to do or how he thought I should act or think, only occasionally sharing some of his own experiences FWIW. So while he is gone, I can still hold pretty good conversations with him, hearing his voice prompting me for more and deeper thoughts and feelings.
Last night we had a long conversation, Grumpy and me. He was asking what was so good about being with Writer that makes it hurt so much having been betrayed and being apart, possibly never together again as lovers and partners.
My list was long, and I smiled, and I cried. Sometimes it’s easier to forget the good; set aside the specifics for a general memory of happiness.
I won’t bore you dear readers with my list, save for one. With Writer I was able to give myself permission to be who I was, and not someone I was expected to be. I’m holding on to that, and keeping it, regardless of what the future brings.