Too Little, Too Late (Or is it?)

today_i_was_peeling_my_heart_by_cabepfir

The following being said, I add the disclaimer that it is NEVER too late to make amends, offer real apologies, and take actions to mitigate the pain and suffering one has caused another.

I’m angry, nay, I’m pissed!

How can a person who may claim to love you and says they want to have a relationship in the future not follow up those sentiments with action if they really mean it?

I want a boot-licking, tail between the legs apology followed with heartfelt action. No excuses, full disclosure owning of the pain. Make your own life miserable to ease the burden you have placed on others.

The child molester adoptive father – while I hope he rots in hell, isn’t worth any real estate in my mind or my heart. May he suffer a million mosquito bites with no means to scratch them. Other than the forced admission written in rehab 30+ years ago – never once made a genuine apology for the pain and torment he inflicted upon me. Thankfully thoughts of him only appear when triggered (usually by my mother who can’t seem to let go of the subject of how much she hates him now) and I am able to relatively quickly acknowledge the pain and move on. If I were to ever hear real remorse from him, yes I would appreciate it.

The former husband – who still blames me for leaving, yet has never once apologized. He spouts that he could understand if I had left when I first said with true conviction that I wanted a divorce, but not after giving it an additional three years of his half-hearted effort, only doing enough to keep me hooked with  hopes but never really changing how he treated me. I’m not holding my breath to ever hear a true word of remorse from him. Even if it were real remorse for killing the cats, tossing them in the trash, and blaming me that he had to do it. That will never happen, but it would heal a tiny piece of my heart if he were able.

The birth father who seemingly abandoned us when my mother cajoled him into signing away his rights – the man who broke my mother’s heart with multiple affairs and drunkely beating the crap out of her too often before she dumped his ass into a tiny apartment – He at least got it right by me, when as an adult I reached out with a letter full of hatred demanding to know how he could walk away from us. He offered no lame excuses, apologized with his heart and soul, and through his possessions and his actions demonstrated that while he was not physically part of my life had never for a moment forgotten about me and my brother. He carried guilt and pain for the remainder of his life. (I never felt the need to carry the pain of my mother and throw that back at him.) When I started a relationship with him through letters an some visits, he never once said an ill word about my mother. I wish I could have thanked him for that. I’m at peace with that relationship and wish his death would have come later.. perhaps he could have made the same amends to my mother.

The love of my life, my childhood crush – it feel as if he crushed my heart, stomped on my soul. The pain is still raw, prolonged. Will I ever feel as if he really understands the depths of my sorrow and pain? My heart and past experience tells me not to hold my breath here either. I pray the he faces his past actions in his therapy, and is at least able to forgive himself. Once he accepts what he has done – perhaps he will be able to genuinely attempt to make amends to those he has hurt. That would heal more than just a tiny piece of my heart. But until then, I wish he would at least take action to make my current life easier – even if it makes his life and pocketbook a little (or more) miserable in the short term. I am Precious, treat me like it if you ever meant it.

[Image Credit: Cecilia Latella cabepfir]

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About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
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