Defining Myself Through Him

A buddy pointed out that I am in the habit of thinking of myself in terms of Writer.. Only now, of being without Writer.

It was true. Codependency sucks.
Not my monkey, repeat, not my monkey. Not my circus. I am not the ringleader.

Today was the local Christmas parade. I did not go. It reminded me of “us” even though we had never gone as a couple; it was 26 years ago at that parade just before my marriage that I first saw Writer after losing touch when i transferred High Schools, where I learned he was married and in the military, and where I was met his wife that I hadn’t even known of.. No, I was not jealous of her, I was envious because she had his love that I had longed for for so long. Even though I was with my betrothed those heart flip flops fluttered and flopped to the floor. We were kind with introductions, and then watched the parade as if we were simply old acquaintances who bumped into each other with a nod of recognition and went on their respective way.

When we were a couple, Writer said he had felt the same way during the parade. It feels sad to think that love longed for and received is now lost. We are once again acquaintances, only I am no longer envious of his relationship with his wife.. tolerating each other (as Girboy describes them) is not a relationship I want.

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About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
This entry was posted in Dating, Healing, polyamory and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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