I just got home from a counseling session. It was hard and good at same time.
I need to stop obsessing that I don’t matter simply because Writer has been incapable of meaningful action around his issues. What he does not do is not a reflection on me and I need to get that through my heart, my head already knows it.
I look forward to the day I no longer avoid the shower because it triggers my PTSD from Writer. For now my hygiene level is dictated by if I have to be around people.. And I don’t like that.
I have made progress towards permitting myself to be a priority. And that is scary when my whole life, my whole family puts others needs above their own. It was how we were raised. (What teen wants to turn down the movies because they have to babysit grandma?) There is a line between being helpful and allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. As a teen I had no choice, today I do.
Writer is (or was to be) at his own therapist today. I doubt my letter asking for reports and offering disclosure would have been received in time. Why do I care if he follows through or not anymore (not my monkey, not my circus).. Because I have sat back too many times and allowed others to potentially come into harms way. If he does not disclose and follow through, I will go to the police to report him, and he will get another sex offense related disorderly conduct charge and another fine, which likely will make no difference.
I wish court reports online would include more detail. I had asked Writer about his last disorderly conduct and was told some but not the sexual offense part. It would have made a difference to me in my comfort level.. Which I’m sure is what promoted his lie of omission.
Here’s to letting go of pain and moving forward.