Rarely in a breakup is one person 100% at fault.
With Writer, aside from the blatant issues that most definitely are his alone, there were other issues.
Why did he tell me he could see only being with me physically (one may not be able to dictate emotional ties, but sexual actions are in the realm of self-control, polyamory does not have to mean polyfuckery), and then tell other women sex could be in the table?
Was I not worthy of truth?
What could I have done to have been worth that honesty in his eyes?
Where did I fail him that he couldn’t tell me how he really felt?
When asked that last one, he says, “You didn’t, it was all me.”
He says I did matter to him, and still do. How could he do what he did, if indeed I did matter one iota?
How can I avoid the same scenario in the future if I don’t know how I failed here?
I believed what he told me about us, our relationship. Do I need to be suspicious of every word, every action of any person I love in the future? What kind of a life is that?
Before the major indiscretion came to light, Writer and I were seeing a couple’s counselor to work on communication skills. At one point, she inquired that our relationship was so strong and healthy, why were we there?
Why? Because even strong relationships can be improved.
Writer had ADD. It is quite possible that I do as well. There was always small misunderstandings, even without ADD, that just magnifies it. Not major, just piddly stuff. I didn’t know there was still major stuff he was keeping from me.
Was he so afraid of losing me that he felt he could not tell the truth? Did he try to convince himself, and fail?
I can say “not my monkey, not my circus” and blame him all day long..
And that can and does get me through a lot of rough stuff. I’ve had four months of emotional agony. But at some point does it become meaningless? If I don’t learn how I contributed, how can I avoid replaying this again and again in a Jungian theory of Synchronicity?