3 months after Discovery Day I posted how I was doing. It is just over 6 months now, and I wanted to give an update to share with those newly discovering their own situations that it can get easier. Learning your love is a sex offender, has hurt your family, lied, broken agreements, is a sex addict, and misled your heart is devastating. Had he “cheated” – depends on how you define the term.
Am I better? Not fully. The process is slow and agonizing,
How am I doing?
Lonely – though not as much since I decided that the possibility of ever reconciling with Writer was dead. I opened myself to the possibilities of a future with a new partner. I am still as “alone” as before, now without the constant longing and aching for what had been good in the relationship.
Isolated – Yeah, keeping secrets can still feel pretty isolating. I am only as isolated as I keep myself. The select few that I have shared the full truth with had grown slightly in number. There is no need for me to hurt him. In the rare instance someone asks, I am now comfortable saying that he is out of my life because his inappropriate boundaries hurt me and my family, without feeling like I am being less than truthful.
In pain physically- much less.A few times a week I wake with a clenched jaw and headache. Much better than the constant head, jaw and face pain the plagues me 3 months ago. I still occasionally get tummy upset, but that is pretty infrequent now as well.
In pain emotionally -downgraded to discomfort on the rare occasions it rears its ugly head. More of a melancholy, that I did not wrong and yet I was hurt. In the past month there has only been one occasion when I wished I had taken a Xanax proactively – that would be “the last time” Writer ever had to have direct contact with me, and then only after he had been here over half an hour. Actually, I haven’t taken a xanax in almost two months. Woo Hoo!
PTSD – I still get twinges of anxiety when showering in the home he videotaped the facilities. I sill avoid showering altogether though, and have to force myself to do it, and not just when I have work and have to not smell stinky for clients. But there have been no melt-downs in the shower – no more curling up in a fetal position crying just because I saw my robe (he hid the phone/camera in his robe.) Every week gets easier.
Horny. Yup. More than ever. But I no longer and horny for him. I own my physical yearnings as my own, and not something exclusively attached to him and his absence. Not running out to get laid.
Income drain – picking up. I have not had to turn away a client due to the physical and emotional pain in over a month. I anticipate that it will never occur again. The house remodel that I undertook anticipating him to help with labor and expense has started to go considerably over budget. I am scaling back, and only rarely curse him for that any more. The remodel offers me a sense of purpose I was lacking after him.
Sleep – not back to normal, but much better. I’d say 98% better. I no longer have to keep going until I literally drop. Sleeping alone has gotten easier. I still pile pillows next to me in the big comfy bed at the old house and still sleep with my teddy bear and futon in couch position in the “new” house so I have less room to move and know I am alone.
My weight has reversed the slow creep up. As my energy improved, I was able to start walking again, or using the nordic track when weather was crappy. I no longer subsist on chocolate and nicotine. When I grab fast food I am likely to grab a side salad instead of a second value menu sandwich. I’m making better choices at the grocery store.
So, it is getting better! I believe had I made the choice to cut him out of my life wholly at Discovery Day my healing would have progressed much more quickly. I accept that that is not who I am. Everyone deserves a chance. Writer had many, and blew every one. I have enough self-worth to let go, stop focusing on what is best for him and start focusing on what is best for this girl. I can no longer define myself as a victim.. what he did was something that happened to me and not what defines me. I’m awesome.
I hope you never have to experience what I have, or anything close to it or worse. If you have, I wish you healing. If you need a hand to hold or an ear – please consider a specialized counselor, life coach, or drop me comment.