I Can’t Believe I Didn’t Post This

Today’s post mentions Krys. Last I blogged about him was letting him go was in early January. (Here) I cant believe I neglected to blog about what came next….

I was in a bad place in my head and my heart, in the worst of the PTSD from my experience with Writer. Krys figured there was something not “me” about the way I had laid it out without offering him the opportunity to respond, and just telling him I was turning away to protect myself. He had replied by email, offering apologies yadda, yadda. That’s where I wrote the post mentioned above.. He offered to come to talk, I told him that was up to him, but to focus on those who actually mattered to him. (I was convinced at the time that I didn’t matter to anyone, my hurt from Writer’s and my mother’s recent actions had hurt me so deeply.)

Krys showed up at my door, unexpected. I answered hugging the cat, all cried out, and feeling like a zombie. He entered timidly. I was cordial, and cold. Gave him a tour of the house, which he hadn’t seen since he was a participant in my wedding almost 3 decades ago. Then we sat down and he spoke about what he had been going through while I barraged him with questions. I bawled, he held me, i think his eyes were a bit misty as well. There was honest regret in his eyes and his voice, for so many things. Neither ex Al nor Writer had demonstrated any true regret for hurting me (Writer did regret getting caught…) nor made any moves to show amends. Krys was demonstrating both in word and in action. He did spend the evening, and while we didn’t make love, we did enjoy a touch of foreplay. I wasn’t ready to open my heart, but the worst of my pain was eased.

Over the next few months we kept in touch. Both slowly feeling the situation out. Neither wanting to hurt the other. Mostly me not wanting to simply forgive and forget and jump right back into my oh so common default of sweeping my needs under the rug. I never want to do that again. I will put my desires first.

Communicating with Krys, I discovered my lost sense of purpose holding me back.. and realizing I had to find purpose for ME and not through a man. I admitted I was envious of his newfound sense of purpose in his son, though I was not envious of how he had alienated most of his family and friends in his single minded drive to legally be his child’s father and able to be a part of the child’s life.

I learned that he is setting up a legal residence overseas, to enable him more flexibility with visiting his son. I mentioned that I have wanted to visit Europe (had actually been planning a trip with Writer before the discovery), and if I would find a US Military installation to teach a seminar or provide some event services I could write off a short trip to visit while he was there the same way I was able to write off the education and training trips when we had our CONUS long distance relationship back in the day.

I also realized, that I needed to be uber clear to Krys how I felt about him, and to figure out just what relationship if any he would like going forward, and to see if those ideas meshed. I custom ordered a compass, engraved with a sweet sentiment and a claddagh… figuring he isn’t a jewelry wearer… and decided to offer it when the time was right.

I’m not one just to sit around when there is something i am interested in. Finding that legal not grey areas way to write off a trip to visit was no exception. I did find one military installation, and what they had to offer was so sweet, and the opportunity too amazing to pass up. a 15 month gig with airfare, lodging and much more. At that point, I decided I could care less about some man having inspired me to look.. I was hooked on the idea for ME. (My plan was to head over near the end of this year, however other goals that have seen some setbacks are delaying those job plans.)

It has been a few months now since I decided to put myself first. I hadn’t mentioned my relatively firm plans to Krys – mainly because he wasn’t the focus of the planned extended excursion, I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea, and wanted this to be mine.

After Krys visited last weekend, I decided it was time to share the compass with him, and asked if he might have 15 minutes to spare before he heads off to Europe again. He came through with much more, borrowing his mother’s car to drive up to take me out to dinner and if I wished another overnight stay. Stay tuned for the next post, where I share what happened after a lovely dinner.

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About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
This entry was posted in Dating, Healing, polyamory, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

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