Nausea

So, I’m over B.S.ing with the hippie neighbors and they invite me to stay for stew. I declined mentioning I’d taken my domestic boy to lunch, and had been feeling a bit nauseous.

Mr Hippie goes “Woo,Apophenia’s pregnant.” We all laughed.

Until I realize that I had unprotected sex around the time in my cycle that ovulation could have occured. Then let out a heavy, disappointed sigh.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while you may recall my posts about longing for a wee one. Blasted peri-menopause taking away my ovulation. Well over a year ago, before Krys had announced the birth of his son, I had decided I was financially stable enough to pursue that dream. I got the ovulation meds and did a trial dosing, and yes on the meds I did get the horhome surge that signifies ovulation, next several months without meds nothing.. So I stopped checking, just made me depressed. I looked at sperm banks, and mentioned to Krys about him helping and even found a way for him to donate through a docs office so he would have no legal liability. Alas, with his situation was not something he was then prepared to do any more, and apologized.

So now knowing that if I had been on meds last month, or if by some slim chance an egg had dropped, that Mr Hippie’s comment could have been true has me pondering.

I’m feeling a bit blue about it. Yes, I would be ecstatic to be a mommy again. Yet, I have created plans that are not compatible with a wee one. So, perhaps for the best.

My cycle has never been very predictable, though since ovulation ended the periods have become somewhat more steady in arrival. Grrr. It will probably be in the back of my head until I bleed again, when I will probably cry.

Before we made love last week, we had talked about why I had declined to do some skin on skin “grinding” last January, reminding him how that carried STI and pregnancy risks as well. And before penetration, I stopped our activity twice to ask if he was absolutely sure. He said he was. I was thinking in my head of the STI risks, not of pregnancy. We both knew the risks. If I am pregnant, the child would be well loved, and my plans to travel Europe via work tucked back into the pipedream file that pregnancy is currently filed in.

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About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
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