Selfish

I know I’ve wanted to have a mono relationship for my long term future.

If I partner with Krys, it would likely end up poly. He is excellent at compartmentalizing his life.

There is another relationship poly has been seeping back in. PolyBuddy. I met him through POF as a platonic buddy a few years back. He lives a couple hours away, so we had only been on one “date”, and have kept on contact through messaging. I loved hearing his tales of poly done right. He has been a great emotional support, and consider him a real friend.

He has cancer. I had been subtly hinting at a second date since starting to come out of the fog from Writer. He recently entered the hospice program.

Tonight PolyBuddy and I had a chat where I came right out and said I would like to explore a relationship.
He said he has no sex drive. So what, intimacy Trump’s orgasm (I need to find a better word for Trump). Then he mentioned that one thing he doesn’t have is a lot of time and is reluctant to start anything if he only has a month or two left.

So, I told him I would honor his choices and that I understand, If he wants to devote the time to family and relationships he already has, But to please consider not saying no for me, or because it would be a short term relationship.

Feeling selfish for wanting to be closer, even if just intellectually.

But. Dammit, who cares if a relationship is one week or several decades, if it is a good one and ends without purposely hurting someone? He’s gonna die, we’re all going to die.. Why not live and enjoy while we can?

I lost my first fiancee, about a week after we were engaged. We had been dating about a month. He had a psychotic break, stole a car and ended up dying in a crash several states away. I used dark humor to help go on.. At least he didn’t die a virgin. In truth, we likely would have broken up in the not too distant future even if he had lived, as I learned more about him from his family after he died. And I was young and immature and the one time of sex was over before I even knew it had begun.

Right now I’m thinking of my earlier posts about how easy it is to have good relationship if you know you only have a short time. I think PolyBuddy and I could have a great relationship for the rest of his life, and enrich the remainder of my life with the memories of a good one. I need those too.

I feel so selfish.

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About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
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