I started the preliminaries for EMDR. Haven’t gotten into the meat of it yet, however I’m very optimistic about it.
Even with one session we have identified how interconnected are the events and situations that create triggers for me. This is very overwhelming compiling the library of events and triggers etc without someone by my side, though I am a bit grateful I am alone so as not to upset anyone I care about wanting to talk through over thinking the experience.
I believe if I had had this tool early on, consecutive incidents would not have escalated the responses.
One thing that struck me as odd, was my therapist commenting about how amazing it is that I am a functional person with the sheer volume of severe negative experiences I was subject to.
Not part of the therapy is realizing just how ingrained my belief of ‘I don’t matter’ is.. Because it truly is a coping mechanism for me. The thought that if I did matter, how much deeper the pain would have been.
Even now with the potential of a future relationship with Krys, I rationalize and make excuses for his actions that scream to me that I don’t matter. Because truly, I don’t see me mattering to him.
Crying and overtired from working on my move, so going to bed.
Thank you to all the bloggers I read, your words do matter to me