Holding On

This weekend I am completing my move. Only a year in the making. My mom, my son, Krys, and a few neighbors pitched in yesterday. Today Krys was going to keep helping, and tomorrow my mom again.

Krys was giving me two days and nights. I was in squee-land. Mother and my son really enjoyed catching up with him.

Evening rolls around and he and I head to home with another load, and he asks to nap/cuddle a bit before we change for dinner. It was delicious. Until we came close to “intimate” strokes, and I asked him if there was anyone who would be upset by his being intimate with me. And he answered in the affirmative. I said I would not be a party to cheating, so I got up, made up another bed in next room, and we went to dinner. I asked him about his other relationship. Turns out is is his Baby Mamma, whom he believes was trying to trap him into marriage by becoming pregnant. Initially he told me they had planned on going their separate ways (since he didn’t want to marry her), except he wants a relationship with his some so freaking much. I sounds like he was actually considering a relationship with her “for the sake of the child” and for ease of being involved.. as of now he never knows when the mom will allow him ot visit, and only when she is there, and he does not know if the child will be able to grow up bi- or tri-lingual so he can speak the language of the country he is in, his mother’s native tongue, and english as well. Except while considering it, he realized the lesson learned from my experience of staying married because of a child and how unhappy I was.

After dinner we held each other a bit, I went for a walk, and spent most of my night in the spare bed fighting hot flashes.

Morning rolls around and we held each other some more. And talked. I mentioned how so many inquiries of future events I had offered, asking if when the times comes around he is in country, would he be interested in attending with me. All of them went unanswered. He said he didn’t answer them because he does not know his schedule that far in advance. I dais that was a crappy answer and now answering was crappy. The least he could have done is tell me no for any he was not interested in, and say yes/maybe -pending  schedule – for the others.

And we did end up making love, though I immediately regretted it. I don’t want to be fuck buddies. We talked about how I thought I could handle it -fuck buddies – for a few years until our lives settle down, except I realized i want more now. He said he loves me, and that by being with me was demonstrating that I matter to him. How he compartmentalizes his life, and cam only pay attention to one compartment of it at a time. I don’t want to be compartment. I want to be part of my partner’s whole life – share the joys, the pains, the challenges. He countered withe we didn’t need to be fuck buddies, the we could go back to being just friends. I can’t. I can’t be just friends with someone I want more with. Perhaps if he were really attached and unattainable, I could be able to be just friends.

So I said I thought it best that he leave and go home. He silently did. I sent him an email while he was on his way.

I feel sorry for him. He claims to really love me. Yet he insists on carrying the burden of all by himself. In doing so he does not have his burdens lightened, more his joys multiplied. How sad. How lonely.

How numb I am feeling.

I still have that law to pass. I still plan to go overseas for work for a year. I will move forward with what I want. Alone. So utterly alone. I wish he just said he didnlt care about me and it would be easier for me.