When You Need a Good Cry

Ever had a time when you needed or wanted to cry to release all those bottled up emotions?

What do you do? Share on the comments.

Here’s my new favorite video clip for just that occasion


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My EMDR Journey 1

I started the preliminaries for EMDR.  Haven’t gotten into the meat of it yet, however I’m very optimistic about it.

Even with one session we have identified how interconnected are the events and situations that create triggers for me. This is very overwhelming compiling the library of events and triggers etc without someone by my side, though I am a bit grateful I am alone so as not to upset anyone I care about wanting to talk through over thinking the experience.

I believe if I had had this tool early on, consecutive incidents would not have escalated the responses.

One thing that struck me as odd, was my therapist commenting about how amazing it is that I am a functional person with the sheer volume of severe negative experiences I was subject to.

Not part of the therapy is realizing just how ingrained my belief of ‘I don’t matter’ is.. Because it truly is a coping mechanism for me. The thought that if I did matter, how much deeper the pain would have been.

Even now with the potential of a future relationship with Krys, I rationalize and make excuses for his actions that scream to me that I don’t matter. Because truly, I don’t see me mattering  to him.

Crying and overtired from working on my move, so going to bed.
Thank you to all the bloggers I read, your words do matter to me

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Greatest Need in a Relationship

I’ve posted before about my wish list in a partner. Today ruminating about overall, what is my greatest need in a relationship.

I believe I have distilled it down to this:

Dear Love,

I have done my best to survive life so far, as have you. I’ve made some poor choices, as have you.

In our future, I make the following oath and expect the same in return…
You are my equal.
I cannot promise that I will not hurt you, I can promise I will never hurt you intentionally.
I will be faced with choices. I will first weigh if an action is in my personal best interest, and then consider if it has negative impact on you and our relationship.
Before making a final decision on any major item, I will share with you the details and options as I see them, share the direction I am leaning and why, and ask for your input and feelings so we may make the final decision together.

This oath of loyalty to us in nullified if your actions are abusive, dishonest, or disrespectful of me or those I love.

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What Trait Do You Value Most in a Friendship?

Sitting around the bonfire tonight, we mused about the quality we most appreciate or value in a friendship.

One chose Loyalty. Another Honesty. I chose truth.

So we debated what we meant by our word.

One proposed that loyalty encompasses the others. I respectfully disagreed.

To me, loyalty means taking sides regardless of personal feelings, being there because the person you are loyal to benefits even if it is an inconvenience to you, and regardless of the truth.

An example I did not use around that bonfire:

My son was loyal to me when instead of telling me of my then partner Writer’s poor choice od actions unforgivable criminal transgression, took his own action of speeding up his move away. Son knew he was leaving anyway,, was no longer comfortable around partner, and because he knew I happy being with the partner did not want me to lose that happiness he had never seen me have while married to his father. He was loyal to me, putting my happiness above his own.

I would rather my son had told me the truth, even if it hurt me.  Truth trumps loyalty.

What trait do you most value in a friendship? Why? Share your thoughts in the comments.

Posted in Apophenia, Bonfire Musings | 1 Comment

Assisted Suicide Thoughts

A comment on a 2014 Washington Post article discussing assisted suicide in Switzerland eloquently sums up my beliefs behind  being my being in favor of legalizing the practice in the US:


have no desire to end up as, let’s be frank, a pet – caged, visited by my owners who I don’t recognize, and kept alive for their pleasure or because of their superstitions.

I have an uncle who wishes to die. His wife, my aunt is keeping him alive for herself. He is blind. His body is shot. In his moments of mental clarity he has clarity he tells anyone who listens that he dies not wish this, and welcomes the end, that he wishes to die. Yet she forces him to receive blood transfusions to keep him alive.

I can totally get not wanting to “lose” the one you love, to face suddenly being alone. I KNOW the despair if not having someone to share life with. And yet I feel she is being selfish.

I’ve said it before on this blog that my golden rule is not to treat others as I would like them to treat me, but to treat them as they would like to be treated. That is the utmost respect.

If I were in my uncle:s body and mind, I would welcome the opportunity to end my life with dignity. Let me die.  Don’t cage me and treat me as your pet for your selfish reasons.. Let me go while you have time to find happiness with another, you can cherish that I haven’t sucked the joy, out of your life by lingering.

What are your thoughts?

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A Better Day

In sharp contrast to past few weeks, today didn’t suck.

Started off watching some Bleach anime. Sweet.

Then an hour Skype video call from Krys. Last night I had sent an email including how from my perspective he avoided committed relationships and sharing emotions because of his parents’ terrible divorce. That not all relationships crumble into petty emotional jabs to bring the ex down and playing the children as pawns against the ex… Reminding him that he has seen me through two terrible relationships and I had demonstrated that I do neither, so if he is afraid and uses that as reasoning for avoiding, he knows first-hand that I do not stoop to such lows and would treat his self-confidence with respect.

The call did not bring that up. Instead he gave me, in detail, his timeline and location for his next visit to the States.. Something he has never done before. Depending on his mother’s schedule, he may still be able to swing by me for a bit. We did talk about part time parenting and how that can be done as right as possible. I believe is as great a daddy as “the mother” and European law permits.

Then I had a session with my sex offender family member counselor. We delved more into recognising emotions behind reactions. At her suggestion we will start some EMDR therapy next month. I’m all for new tools. Will let y’all know how that goes.

Then I ambled home and painted part of a wall, got off my estimated tax payments, filed my extension, called the ex (who actually answered.. He hadn’t replied this past few months because he didn’t know when he wanted to pick up the clock, never mind part one of my inquiry was if he still wanted it even if I did not deliver), and treated myself to a cone at a local car-hop drive in.

If the wind does down, going out for a walk yet too before I pack a few more boxes.

Productive day.
And i just noted, for the first time since the divorce, I was able to chat with the ex without feeling physically and emotionally drained after! Yay for boundaries!!!! Yay for healing!

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Bonfire Alone

Last night my bonfire was alone, and very short. I was OK.

Had a nice phone convo with a close friend I stopped actively spending time with after leaving Ex Al. She didn’t take sides, stayed friends with both of us, though her hubby took the side of my ex. I chose to be sparse because I can make and value friends, a commodity ex has difficulty with

Well, I believe he’ll froze over because her hubby asked me to call him. Turns out that AL has not been too see them or returned calls or emails in 5 months, and he was worried. Wanted to know if I knew AL was OK.

I didn’t, have been trying for months for a reply from ex myself. So while on phone I Facebook messaged my son’s gf who was online. She said they’d had dinner out with AL earlier this month. I relayed back, and was asked to have the son’s gf not mention anything to Al.

Games. If someone is concerned about me, let me know you cared enough to ask.

On the other hand, I hate using the kids as go between. I won’t do it for my own purposes. Though I felt in this case shows I still care enough to follow up when his father’s friends are concerned.

Hears that the 80’s hair gal I saw with Al the one day was in fact his girlfriend as I had surmised. Learned they broke up, git back together only to have her dump him again. It makes me sad. I want him to be happy. Part of me is curious if he didn’t learn anything about relationships in the aftermath of what he did to our marriage, how he treated me. But then again, I only care in as much as it affects our son. I still feel the need to protect our son.

On that note, I’m pissed at the son too. Ive been asking for months to take him/them out for dinner, just let me know a day that works for their schedules and I get crickets.
Then I hear he has been out with his dad.  don’t get me wrong, I WANT him to have a relationship with his father, and I want him to have a relationship with me.

Seeing the son post to Facebook at least leta me know he is alive. Empty nest bites.

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