The Losses Keep Piling Up

I hope to freaking god that Krys is my final loss for the near future.
I may be stronger for the losses, but the lonely factor sure does pile up

Tally for recent past (less than 5 years)

Death of close confidant.
Reaction to a med that put me in handcuffs and loony bin for 2 nights til the meds wore off.
Death of close gal friend by drunk driver
Empty nest.
Betrayed by partner.
Raging PTSD and anxiety
Loss of tenant due to that partner.
Feeling of betrayed by mother.
Online dating sucks.
Death of another close friend.
Pregnancy scare that turned out to be menopause.
Close gal friend moved to FL for job.
Confirmed loss of longtime respected and loved friends due to their taking sides from divorce.
Ovulation meds no longer work.. so much for getting donor jis
Letting go of a 30 year loving relationship that spanned FWB, just friends, lovers, distance, heartache, hope, and dashed hope for partnered future.

Heavy, drowning, overwhelmed

What had gone right is last 5 years?

Regained much of my self esteem back through divorce.
Lost over 150#, and still down about 120 of those pesky buggers who keep trying to get in my pants (wish someone I love could come back as readily)…
No longer living in daily fear of saying or doing the “wrong” thing.
Walking/light running again.
New house home remodeling.
Son is doing extremely well on his own.
Publicly came out as poly, freeing me from deception for the sake of my formeer spouse.
Received a voicemail yesterday morning that my STI risk from my recent encounter was zero.
I attained my dream of having a second home and becoming a slumlord.
Successfully completed a term as President of my professional association.
Have not gone into financial ruin despite being self-employed an unable to work as much due to PTSD for many months.
Started the process of downsizing my accumulation of “stuff”.
Discovered a position in my career that while pay sucks will allow me to fulfill my dream of traveling Europe.
Became closer to my brother.
Made four new true friends and a couple buddies.
Overcame smell of beer being a PTSD trigger

I gotta keep focusing on those positives instead of dwelling on the losses.


About Apophenias

I'm human. Female. Self-employed. Searching for connections in the randomness of life. Currently residing the US. ... And not quite defined by being in the midst of a biological ticking.
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One Response to The Losses Keep Piling Up

  1. savingshards says:

    Do. Yes, do. Do keep focusing on those positives. Hard to see sometimes, but you are making progress…and I am so sorry for your losses… HUGS.


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